call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
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