I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Randomize
