Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Randomize
