You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I'm too high and old for this...
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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