Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
