mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Just puked most of my soul out..
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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