The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
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