My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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