I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
