It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Randomize
