she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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