I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
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