My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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