Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Randomize
