Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Randomize