So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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