worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
She's the barista slut.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
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