That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
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