I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
