how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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