my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
My vagina is very pro this idea
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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