some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Randomize
