Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
