guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
