Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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