ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
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