I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
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