I can't breathe out the right side of my face
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
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