He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Drunk is not a location!
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
