i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
