the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I'm having to shit out rocks
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
