The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
