my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Randomize
