she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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