I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
