Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
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