I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
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