tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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