there's paper in my vomit.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize