Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
