Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize