I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
