hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
