Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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