Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
