i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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