So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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