I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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