I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
