there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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