The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
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