So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
