she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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