I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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