well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
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