Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
