i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
