i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Randomize