Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Randomize
