he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
